Welcome back, you Sloppy Stampcrabs!
Boy oh boy oh boy, did the NFL deliver the goods this week. I don’t know where to begin….
Adrian Peterson showed us he’s still got it…
Ed Dixon should go buy a lottery ticket… like right now
Mario Williams is a Baaaaaaad Man
And then, as always, we have The Insane:
SUMMER’S OVER. TIME TO PUT AWAY THE FLIP FLOPS, JERRY
You may recall that two weeks ago I mentioned the Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo’s injury…
A “Crownie”? Why not just bake a cupcake-shaped brownie? This commercial makes no sense! Breathe, Pat, just breathe… don’t get sidetracked…
With Romo sidelined, the quarterbacking duties would fall to Brandon Weeden. Prior to Weeden’s first start in Week 3, full-time Team Owner and part-time Sith Lord, Jerry Jones made some powerful assertions as to Mr. Weeden’s abilities:
“This quarterback Weeden can drive the ball down field,” Jones said. “He’s a thing of beauty on throwing a football. His passing motion and his arm, frankly, you won’t see a more gifted passer, power, accuracy, the entire aspect of it. If he can basically prepare, be the starting quarterback, come in and execute and keep his head right, then I feel good about Weeden.”
“Frankly, you won’t see a more gifted passer.” Wow. That’s some high praise. Keep that quote in mind as we move through this story.
The Cowboys traveled to New Orleans on Sunday to square off against the beleaguered Saints. The teams proved to be quite evenly matched, with plenty of back and forth momentum shifts. Weeden acquitted himself quite well, actually, completing 16 of 26 passes for 246 yards and a touchdown. He actually led the Cowboys on a clutch 91-yard, 4th quarter scoring drive, which would send the game into overtime.
It was on the first play of this overtime that another little piece of history would be carved in records. On just the second play from scrimmage, Saints QB, Drew Brees, connected with CJ Spiller for an 80 yard touchdown, sealing the victory for New Orleans.
This also happened to be Drew Brees’ 400th career touchdown pass. He is only the 5th quarterback in NFL history to achieve this. So from all of us here at the Touchdown Clown staff (really just me and my dog… my wife wants no part of this) we’d like to say “Congrats” to Mr. Brees. He seems like a fine gentleman.
I mention this, because Jerry Jones, a.k.a. Darth Texas, made an interesting comment after the game:
“…He does some real good things, though it’s not quite apples and oranges when the guy on the other side of the deal is Brees and you’re dealing with a guy who is as limited as Weeden…”
Wait wait wait wait wait… wait
I thought we wouldn’t “see a more gifted passer” than Weeden? Those were your exact words less than two weeks ago. Now you’re telling us he’s “limited.” What kind of bizarro world do you live in where it’s okay to just say one thing and than say the opposite almost immediately after?! Wait… is that your power? You say whatever inane and asinine thing that comes to your mind, and no one can hold you accountable?
“Feel the power of the flip flop…”
KICKING THEMSELVES IN THE HEAD
I mentioned in the season preview how the PAT kick got moved back to the 15 yard line. It has apparently been, to use a technical term, fucking with the minds of kickers:
We already know the Saints won in overtime, but the only reason they went to overtime was because their kicker, Zach Hocker, missed a game winner from 30 yards out, clanking the ball off the left upright.
Jaguars kicker, Jason Myers, missed a late game field goal, and then missed another one in overtime that would have won the game.
Steelers kicker, Josh Scobee missed two field goals in the 4th quarter. The Steelers would end up losing in overtime to the Ravens, after Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin opted to go for it on two 4th and shorts, instead of trusting Scobee.
Eagles kicker, Caleb Sturgis, missed an extra point and a 33 yard field goal. The Eagles would end up losing by 3.
Tamba Bay’s kicker missed two field goals and an extra point
Houston’s kicker missed his lone field goal attempt
Giants Kicker, Josh Brown, missed an extra point
Buffalo’s kicker shanked a 30 yard attempt.
My favorite of all of these was undoubtedly the missed field goal fro the Saints-Cowboys game. Let’s take a look…
Did you catch that? Take another look.
Still don’t see it? Let’s zoom in.
This guy is my new favorite person in the world. He’s my hero.
I THINK THIS IS WHAT WOMEN MEAN WHEN THEY SAY “HOT MESS”
Sadly, not everything in this world can be as beautiful as Belly Slappin’ Billy up there. Most NFL pundit talk boils down to two major topics: How good is this team? How awful is this team?
The Eagles have been the early season favorites for the second category, seeing as Chip Kelly’s supposedly genius offensive schemes have yielded tragically little in the category of actual results. Well, after Week 4, the Eagles may no longer be the front-runners for “Biggest League Dumpster Fire,” as the Miami Dolphins took a staggering leap forward in that race.
Before the season began, the Dolphins were picked by many as a potential playoff team. They have a young quarterback who seemed to be progressing forward, they signed arguably the best defensive player and probable sociopath, Ndamukong Suh, and their roster looked to be pretty solid all around.
Fast forward to now, and the Dolphins are a complete trainwreck. Their record is 1-3. They’re last place in their division. They currently have the lowest scoring offense in the league. They have the worst run defense in all of the NFL, despite paying their defensive linemen more money than the GDP of a small nation. And have you watched this team play? They look disinterested, as if they’d rather be dong anything else than play football. That’s not caused by lack of talent or defective schemes. That’s a result of poor leadership.
Or at least, that seems to be the opinion of the Dolphins’ front office. Miami head coach, Joe Philbin, was fired on Monday just four games into the season. Believe it or not, this is not the earliest an NFL coach has ever been fired. In 1978, the Los Angeles Rams fired head coach, George Allen, after just two preseason games. I don’t why this happened, because I’m just too lazy to do the research. So I’m going to guess it had something to do with cocaine. Why? Because it was 1978…. and the only reason for anything in 1978 was cocaine.
Honestly, this doesn’t surprise me. In fact, I’m surprised Philbin lasted as long as he did. (I’d like to say that I spent a lot of effort trying to think of a “nice” way to put this, but I failed.) Philbin just never struck me as much of a leader. Philbin’s first season as Miami’s head coach was in 2012, which is also when the Dolphins were the subject of HBO’s “Hard Knocks.” I remember watching that and thinking, “Players won’t play for this guy.” He just doesn’t have that fire, that charisma, that oomph you want to see in a leader. Let me illustrate my point by playing a word association game. I’ll show you a picture of a head coach, and then write my gut reaction as to what they eat for breakfast….
Egg white omelet with a side of quinoa
Bacon, burnt black
Nails… iron nails
Unfortunately for Miami fans, the drama didn’t end once Philbin had been shown the door. Another story broke, almost simultaneously with the announcement of Philbin’s firing. Quarterback, Ryan Tannehill, has been getting into it with some backup defensive players in recent weeks. It all came to a head in the team practice on Saturday. The Scout Team defense was apparently picking off too many of Tannehill’s passes during a walkthrough. I’m no stranger to team dynamics, so I’m sure these meaningless interceptions came with a fair amount of equally meaningless trash talk. Giving each other a hard time is a staple of male interaction, especially in the context of competitive sports. But Tannehill didn’t see it that way. He didn’t think it was fun or good natured, and became quite aggitated, reportedly saying:
“Enjoy your practice squad paycheck, enjoy your practice squad trophy.”
Ooooooo, not cool, bro…. When you just signed your own deal, worth about 95 million, it’s never a good look to throw other peoples’ lesser incomes in their faces… especially if you yourself are drastically under-performing. That’s some straight up, grade-A douchebaggery. I think Tannehill is going to be hard pressed to find friends in the near future.
Oh wait! I know someone who he’d probably get along great with!
“What’s up, bro?”
“Not much. Just putting these poor losers in their place.”
“Cool. Cool. Want to go back in time and beat up Michael J. Fox?”
“You know it, dude!”
Alright, you loud chewing, gum swallowing, coffee breathe-having, lumps. That’s all for this week.
Go do something productive, for God’s sake.