The action and drama of the 2015 NFL season continued rolling this past week…
We saw Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers teach everyone a serious lesson on “How to Quarterback” with the Patriots dropping 50 points on the Jaguars and Rodgers posting 5 touchdowns in Green Bay’s win over the Chiefs. Y’all know I’m a Bears fan, but I have no choice but to give the guy respect. At one point in the first half, Rodgers had more touchdowns than Chiefs QB, Alex Smith, had complete passes! Unreal.
We saw Jet’s WR, Brandon Marshall lateral the ball to no one…
We saw what might be the catch of the year…
That’s right! I figured out how to GIF! But let’s not get too enamored with my cutting edge technology. Let’s check out this week’s top stories (at least, from my perspective).
Carolina QB, Cam Newton was at the center of some brewing controversy this week involing veteran NFL official, Ed “Guns” Hochuli…
Pause the game! There’s a couple pythons on the field!
Where was I? Oh yeah. So Newton got hit while scrambling in the back field. He said something to Hochuli about getting a “roughing the passer” call. The video shows Newton to be visibly taken aback by Hochuli’s response. In his post game press conference, Newton alleged that Hochuli told him he, “wasn’t old enough to get that call.”
This, of course, set off a firestorm of debate on whether super star and veteran players get preferential calls, and if this turns out to be true, what the punishment should be for the official.
I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this, because I honestly don’t care. The only reason I wrote the preceding few paragraphs was because I wanted an excuse to say something about what Cam Newton wore during his press conference…
Ha! Talk about your CAMouflage!
Totally worth it.
AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE DEEP DISH
With Jay Cutler sidelined with a hamstring injury, the role of quarterback for the Bears was played by…
It’s Blake Anderson III…
What’s his name, again?
Jimmy Clausen! That’s it! You know, this guy….
“I’ll show those Goonies… I’ll show them all!”
So Jimmy Clausen took a break from karate chopping Ralph Macchio long enough to lead the Bears offense against the Seahawks. After back to back Super Bowl appearances, Seattle started this season 0-2… so it’s not like they’d be looking to make a statement or anything.
Let’s take a look at how well Biff Penniesworth…Clausen! Sorry! Jimmy Clausen! I’d like to take a detailed look at how well Jimmy Clausen and the Bears offense faired against the vaunted Seattle defense:
Bears Possession #1: After a delay of game penalty, they rush for -4 yards. Then there’s an incomplete pass, followed by complete pass for only 3 yards.
- End Result – Punt Hey, no worries. It’s the first series of the game. Probably just warming up.
Bears Possession #2: Matt Forte rushes for two first downs. Then after a pair of short runs, a false start, and an incomplete pass.
- End Result – Punt Haha… funny guys. Now quit playing around and take this seriously.
Bears Possession #3: Bears run three plays for a 4 yard gain, a 2 yard gain, and a 1 yard gain.
- End Result – Punt Hey! Look at that! A hat trick of failure!
Bears Possession #4: Bears gain 47 yards and three first downs before a pair of short rushes and an incomplete pass.
- End Result – Punt At least they got three first downs and 47 yards of offense! Moving in the right direction!
Bears Possession #5: A combination of ineffectual rushes and few incomplete passes.
- End Result – Punt Seriously? You don’t want to go for it at least once? The half is almost over and you’re in Seattle territory.
HALF TIME Okay, that was a tough first half, guys. But let’s regroup and come out blazing!
Bears Possession #6: First down. Short rush. Incomplete pass. Sack for loss.
- End Result – Punt Not what I had in mind when I said to come out blazing…
Bears Possession #7: Two offensive penalties. Two incomplete passes. A 1 yard rush.
- End Result – Punt Why must you hurt me in this way?!
Bears Possession #8: A short rush. A short pass. A rush for no gain.
- End Result – Punt It’s like you’re not even trying
Bears Possession #9: Incomplete pass. Short rush. Penalty. Short pass.
- End Result – Punt Where’s my backup bottle of whiskey?
Bears Possessions #10: Incomplete pass. Sack for loss. Complete pass, short of first down.
- End Result – No wait! Don’t say it! Let me guess! Hmm, what could they have ended with? Oh! I know… could it have been a PUNT?!
Yes, that happened this past week. Every single Bears possession ended with a punt. It’d be almost impressive if it wasn’t so sad.
Shortly after the loss the Bears announced they would be trading away Jared Allen to the Panthers and Jonathan Bostic to the Patriots in exchange for a couple draft picks. So it appears as if Chicago will not be making much of an attempt to post a winning season this year, opting to focus on rebuilding for future seasons. If only there was some clever way I could use a football term to describe what the Bears are doing to their season… You know? Wouldn’t that be great? To have a football word that I could use to convey the idea that the Bears have given up on this season…
Hey, John Fox, Head Coach of the Bears, how about a little help?
“He he, It’s like we’re punting on the season!”
Dammit, John, that’s your answer for everything!
FOURTH QUARTER FOLLIES
Let’s move things over to Baltimore where the Cincinnati Bengals took on their division rival Ravens. Honestly, the first two and a half quarters of this game were astoundingly unremarkable (hmmm, that wording might be confusing… oh well, too late to change anything) with the Bengals leading 14-0.
Then something bonkers happened. The Ravens had the ball at the 50 yard line on 4th down, needing 5 yards for a first.
“Hey! I know what they should do!”
No, John Fox! No! You stop it! I know you’re going to say “punt” because apparently that’s the only thing you know how to do! You get out of this segment and get back up in the first story where you belong!
Man… John Foxes can be so annoying when they butt in on other stories. Where were we? Oh yeah! 4th and 5 on the 50 yard line! And, showing the world yet again that the Harbough boys have balls if nothing else, Ravens Head Coach John Harbaugh opted not to punt, but rather went for the first down.
Ravens QB, Flacco, connected with veteran WR Steve Smith Sr. who would then take the ball 50 yards into the endzone for a touchdown!
“Did you call for me?! Is it my time, yet?”
No! I said “touchdown” not “Touchdown Clown”! Not every touchdown is about you, okay? Go back to your room! Seriously, you’re creeping everyone out. I regret ever creating you.
Sorry about all these interruptions, guys. So yeah, after the big score the Ravens were only down 14-7. After a Bengals punt, the Ravens would go on a long drive that would take us into the 4th quarter. The drive ended with a 21 yard field goal, bringing the score to 14-10.
Then, with 6:49 left in the game, Bengals QB, Andy Dalton fumbled while being sacked. Ravens defender, Mosley scooped up the ball, and ran it back 41 yards for a touchdown, giving Baltimore the lead (17-14). So, I’ve actually been living in Cincinnati for the past 2 years, and I can tell you that Bengals fans have something of a complicated relationship with their quarterback. There is a general impression around town that Dalton isn’t very clutch; that he fails to perform well in high pressure situations. Now I could go research his stats and see if the numbers support this sentiment…. or I could crack a beer and continue making this shit up as I go. I’ll let you guess which route I’ve chosen.
I mention that, because after the strip sack Ravens touchdown, I could almost feel the air get sucked out of an entire city. I could almost hear the shattering of a thousand flat screens, the muffled cries of anguish, and muted splashes of spilled beer. The city became one shared consciousness screaming, “Dalton is going to blow it again!”.
It was at this point that I placed my computer to the side, and really started paying attention to the game. How would Andy handle this turn of events?
As it turns out, pretty fucking well. On the very next play from scrimmage, Dalton connected with AJ Green for an 80 yard touchdown. Bengals back up 21-17.
The jubilation would be short lived however, as the Ravens then drove the ball right down the field for another score. Ravens now up 24-21. “Ok,” said the Cincinnati collective consciousness, “This time he’s going to let us down. No way he can do it twice.”
Wrong again, Cincy. Dalton would lead the Bengals on a 6 play, 80 yard drive, scoring another touchdown with about 2 minutes left to play. Bengals up 28-24.
The Cincinnati Defense held strong, and the Ravens turned it over on downs on the ensuing possession. After a few knees, the Bengals win 28-24. So… take that, Cincinnati Collective Consciousness! Your boy can actually play. Maybe you should back the ‘eff off!
“Resistance is futile. You will join us.”
What? No way!
“We can see into your mind.”
Ha ha…. um what? Uh… not really though, right?
“Yes, really. Would you like us to share your inner most thoughts?”
You’re bluffing! You can’t really see my thoughts!
“Last night you had a dream about kangaroos, shaving cream, and -”
HAHA, WELL THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE THIS WEEK, FOLKS!
Don’t forget to check back next week for more silly football shenanigans…
That is, assuming I still have control of my own mind!