Welcome back, you rowdy pack of drooling booger eaters!
Week 2 of the NFL season was very helpful to myself in particular. More specifically, it reminded me why my articles don’t have winners/losers predictions or fantasy pick ‘e recommendations.
And that’s because I would be god awful terrible at it. In my personal fantasy league, I left a 33 point wide receiver on my bench (don’t sweat it, I still won. Take that, Paul!). In my confidence league, I only picked 4 correct winners… and that wasn’t against the spread… that was straight up.
That’s why my articles will always be about dumb jokes… and by “dumb” jokes, I mean “super-hilariously-clever” jokes.
And speaking of…
BACK TO BACK
Remember last week when I talked about the Giants blowing it at the end of the game? Remember those fun times?
I mention it, because this segment is going to sound a tad familiar….
The Giants entered the fourth quarter of Sunday’s game against the Falcons up 20-10. And unless you have the memory of a gold fish, you’ve probably guessed what I’m going to say: The Falcons came roaring back and won in dramatic fashion.
Congratulations are in order for the New York Football Giants. They just made NFL history. This is the first time a team has ever blown a 10 point lead two games in a row… ever.
Oh well, Eli, I guess you can always make more contrived commercials…
I honestly can’t tell which one is supposed to be the “cool” one.
I’M NUMB TO IT AT THIS POINT.
Let’s swing over to good ol’ Chicago, where my beloved Bears squared off against the visiting Arizona Cardinals. The Cardinals were fresh off a surprising victory over the New Orleans Saints, while the Bears were fresh off an unsurprising loss to the Green Bay Packers.
The Bears held their own through most of the 1st half and Cutler was actually playing quite well; starting out 8 for 8 for 120 yards and a touchdown. But then, with a little over three minutes left in the 2nd quarter, Jay Cutler remembered that his name was Jay Cutler, and he threw an interception to Cardinals Safety Tony Jefferson. Jefferson would then return the pick for a touchdown, but not before Cutler would hurt himself in an attempt to make a tackle. Cutler would leave the game with a hamstring injury, and not return.
The Cardinals would go on to pound the Bears 48-23. Hey, you guys remember when the Bears D was actually respectable? Good times. Good times. I wonder if Brian Urlacher has kept himself in decent shape…
Anyway, Chicago backup QB, Jimmy Clausen, looked… less than stellar. I don’t like saying anything too mean, so I’ll just quote NFL.com’s Dan Hanzus:
“…the Bears are one of the NFL’s very worst teams with Clausen behind center”
So, hooray for that. Cutler is projected to miss the next few weeks, so to avoid starting the season 0-4, Bears are going to have to rely on this guy:
Seriously, the guy looks like the rich kid bully from every 80’s movie.
THESE GUYS GET PAID HOW MUCH?
So the Cowboys – Eagles game was a thing that happened. Frankly, I’m not quite sure how to describe it. Chip Kelly, Eagles Head Coach, made his name by creating dynamic, explosive, and most importantly, successful offenses in his time at Oregon. His first two seasons with the Eagles were pretty good; finishing 10-6 both years, and making the playoffs once. His third season is, shall we say, off to a Rocky start! Ha! Get it? Because Philly!
Okay, are you done crying with laughter at my masterful wordplay? Great, let’s continue. Like I said, the 2015 season has not gone well for the Birds. They are 0-2, and the offense has looked… well… what’s the word I’m looking for? Awful? Terrible? Ghastly? Deplorable? Putrid! That’s the one. The Eagles offense has been utterly putrid. Let’s take a gander at some offensive stats for the game on Sunday:
In the first half, they only had 21 total yards. They finished the game with only 7 net rushing yards. At one point, DeMarco Murray had -15 rushing yards.
Those stats are certainly offensive! (Dammit, I am too clever for my own good sometimes!). I actually had the (mis)fortune of watching a lot of this game. At one point, Troy Aikman commented, “This is just bad football,” which is about as colorful and excitable as that guy gets. And he wasn’t wrong. The Cowboys weren’t doing anything so special. The Eagles were just plain bad all over… but especially the O Line. Good god, the O Line was terrible!
Let me break down a particular series in the third quarter that I think perfectly sums this up:
- First Down – A lineman totally misses a block and Murray is tackled in the backfield.
- Second Down – Another lineman totally misses a block and Murray is tackled in the backfield.
- Third Down – Hooray! They complete a semi-successful screen pass and actually gain some yards.
- Fourth Down – Multiple missed blocks on a punt, leads to said punt getting blocked and picked up for a touchdown
You know, on second thought, the success of that screen pass on third down isn’t all that surprising. You see, a screen pass is a play wherein the linemen are actually supposed to let the defenders go past them into the backfield. That’s one thing the Eagles O Line is really really really good at. They should just do all screen passes all the time. I see no way that can fail.
But the game wasn’t all sunshine and strippers for Cowboy fans. Late in the third quarter, Tony Romo took a hit and went down hard. The play resulted in hi breaking his collarbone. He is projected to miss the next 8-10 weeks. Couple that with Cowboys top receiver, Dez Bryant, out for anothe 6 weeks or so, and things don’t look so hot for Dallas. With their two best players sidelined, the Cowboys have left the shit-show that is the NFC East wide open for their division rivals.
I wonder how Romo will spend his downtime…
Oh goddammit, Tony! Not you too!
That’s all for me this week, you knuckle-dragging spit swallowers!