Hello all you mouth-breathing, candy-assed, lily-livered, yellow-bellied, booger-eaters!
Welcome to the Touchdown Clown 2015 NFL Season Preview!
Presented in conjunction with Rambling Waffle Enterprises and the Touchdown Clown (pictured below):
We took some time away… but now we’re back… and holy hell, did the NFL welcome our return with open arms. Let’s get right into, hands down, the dumbest story of the offseason:
WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT CHUMBAWAMBA SONG?
New York Jets starting quarterback, Geno Smith, will miss the first 6 – 10 weeks of the season.
“Why?” you may be asking.
Well, I would be delighted to tell you. You see, Geno Smith will be unable to play for 6 – 10 weeks due to a fractured jaw.
“How did he fracture his jaw” you ask.
Well, aren’t you an inquisitive one? We got a regular Nancy Drew over here. Anyway, Geno Smith’s jaw was fractured when (now former) teammate IK Enemkpali…. (are you ready for this?) sucker punched him in the jaw! For reference, this is what IK Enemkpali looks like:
Surprisingly, human bones were not built to withstand blows from arms like that.
You might think physically assaulting a coworker, who happens to be one of the organization’s most valuable employees, wouldn’t necessarily be a fire-able offense…. but you’d be pretty damn wrong… also, you’re probably a sociopath. You should get that looked at.
Enemkpali was quickly released from the Jets roster. So, what could possibly have motivated Enemkpali to savagely punch a fellow human being and teammate in the jaw? Was Geno Smith sleeping with Enemkpali’s girl? Did he steal Enemkpali’s custom blend of protein powder? Did he fart in Enemkpali’s face while he was asleep?
Enemkpali assaulted his teammate over $600.
Six. Hundred. Dollars.
The quick backstory is that Enemkpali asked Geno Smith if he would make an appearance at a ‘reserve linebackers camp.’ Smith accepted and Enemkpali bought him a $600 plane ticket. A few days before the camp, a friend of Smith was killed in a motorcycle accident, and he was unable to attend. Completely understandable….
…or not, if your name is IK Enemkpali, who demanded that Smith repay him the $600 for the plane ticket. Smith agreed to do so, but apparently, his recompense did not come fast enough for Enemkpali. He confronted Smith in the team’s locker room, and it resulted in the aforementioned broken jaw.
I did some hard hitting investigative journalism and discovered that Enemkpali’s contract with the Jets was for $2,298,680 over 4 years; including a $78,680 signing bonus, $78,680 guaranteed, and an average annual salary of $574,670. And by “hard hitting investigative journalism” I mean I Googled “IK Enemkpali Jets contract.”
So a guy making over half a million dollars a year assaulted a someone and got himself fired over six hundred bucks. Brilliant.
Oh! I remember now!
“Tubthumping!” That was the name of the song!
A NEW TWIST ON “GIVING SOMEONE THE FINGER”
I may have spoken too soon when I called that last story the dumbest of the offseason. You see, back on the 4th of July, Giants Defensive End Jason Pierre Paul, was celebrating this nation’s independence via the time honored tradition of setting off tiny explosions… occasionally referred to as fireworks.
Since I’m talking about it, you’ve probably figured out there was a mishap. JPP injured his hand so bad that he had to have his right index finger amputated. You might expect me to go off on a rant about professional athletes continually risking their multi million dollar incomes by putting themselves in unnecessarily risky situations. I could do that, but I’m not.
I’m more curious about adults who still set off fireworks. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll sit and enjoy a professional show at a theme park or county fair or a Chinese New Year celebration (They name their years after animals! That’s so much cooler than boring numbers!) But I just don’t get the allure of amateur fireworks, specifically the need to set them off yourself. I remember being twelve and watching that one kid in the neighborhood (you know the one… the one whose house your mom was reluctant to let you go over to) show off his newly acquired illegal fireworks from the next state over. I remember my first thought being, “So, what’s the point? It’s 1996, bro. I just saw a digitally rendered space ship blow up the White House. Cardboard tubes filled with blue and red sparkles can’t match the entertainment value of watching Will Smith kick some alien butt.” Yet, here we are in 2015, and grown ass men hurt themselves every year playing with tiny bits of explosives…… you know, for ‘Murica.
“OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE…. where the hell my finger went?”
THE OBVIOUS JOKE
If you’re reading this, you’re undoubtedly aware of the whole Tom Brady “deflate gate” thing (Seriously, can we retire the “Gate” name thing for scandals, already?) Brady and the Patriots were accused of deflating footballs last season. Under-inflated balls are easier to handle [insert > obvious joke] which obviously creates an advantage. Then there was some hoopla about Brady destroying a cell phone with evidence and whether or not he was involved. He claims he had no idea, but c’mon… When you spend as much time as Brady does holding balls [insert > obvious joke] you would totally be able to feel the difference.
As things currently stand, Brady is suspended for the first four games of the season. The NFL and the Players Association suing each other, and it’s unclear whether this legal tug-of-war over balls [insert > obvious joke] will get resolved before the start of the season.
Dammit, Tom! Can you at least make this slightly challenging for me?
You know what…. Nope. This one is too easy. Let’s move along…
ONE MAN’S REDEMPTION IS ANOTHER MAN’S TRAGEDY
I’m sure it’s a safe bet you’re all familiar with Johnny Manziel a.k.a. Johnny Football. But on the off chance you’ve forgotten about this young scrappy upstart, allow me to refresh your memory…
Here we see the young Mr. Football celebrating American Independence.
And here we see the young scholar enjoying a specialty brand of re-hydrating sports drink along with a former actor from that delightful Canadian teen drama sitcom.
And here he’s… rolling a bill of U.S. currency… you know… out of respect. It’s better to store your bills this way… because of, well, folding puts creases in the money… which is very un-patriotic.
And here is with… oh hell… here he is with two people I have nothing nice to say about so I’m not going to say anything…. oh, and Tyrese is there too.
Tyrese is cool as shit…. but those other two… dammit, Johnny.
Anyhoo, in his short time in the public eye, Manziel has proven to be a gold mine of material for articles like this one. But that may all be about to change.
Manziel had a less than stellar rookie season on the field, which ended with him sustaining a hamstring injury. During the offseason, he checked himself into an alcohol and drug treatment facility (a.k.a “Rehab”). And, I just have to say that this news completely stunned me. Who knew the guy liked to party so much…
Since completing his treatment, Manziel has made a few interesting changes in his life, such as moving away from downtown Cleveland to a nearby (presumably quieter) suburb. He also made a statement earlier in the summer that he was trying to move on from that part of his life.
I’m very conflicted about this. As a fellow human being possessing something slightly resembling a conscience, I am very happy for the young man, and sincerely hope he flies straight from here on out. However, as someone who needs material to fill a regular football humor article, I am utterly devastated my this tragic turn of events.
I already miss this version of you…
Starting this season, the Point After Touchdown kick will be moved back to the 15 yard line. 2 point conversions will still take place at the 2 yard line. So, let’s raise a glass to the already most marginalized position on the roster getting an extra opportunity to let the whole team down.
As of me writing this, Tim Tebow is still on the Eagles roster. He’s currently locked in a battle with Matt Barkley for the third string slot on the team roster. He has a chance to make history by being the only third string quarterback to get discussed every day for entire season by professional sports pundits.
This just in: The preseason is still worthless.
That’s all I have the energy for, folks. I hope you liked it. If you did, you can follow me @RamblingWaffle for regular posts such as this one all throughout the 2015 season.
Now, get the hell out of my virtual house!